Thus Says Suzanne...

The Devil responds to Pat Robertson

Apparently the devil got wind of Pat Robertson's claim that he had signed a pact with the Haitians, that they are now cursed and that is why they suffered the earthquake.

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

(LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS.  Originally published in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune.)

swine flu

This actually comes straight from the Johns Hopkins site.

A new disease demands a new dictionary. The Johns Hopkins University Office of Communications and Public Affairs offers these suggestions for campus conversations about the H1N1 pandemic.

Pig: A student ill with suspected or presumed H1N1 flu. (Variation: Piglet: a sick freshman.)

Pig in a blanket: A sick student complying with doctor’s advice to stay home, drink fluids and get plenty of rest.

Pig in a Snuggie: A student complying with doctor’s advice in a blanket with sleeves.

Glazed ham: A pig with fever sweats.

Pig Latin: A sick student’s Classics homework.

Pig pen: A sick student’s room, where he or she stays until 24 hours without fever, off of fever medication.

Pig sty: A sick student’s room before he or she properly disposes of used tissues and cleans doorknobs, desktops, keyboards and other surfaces with virus-killing wipes.

The Farm: Mom and Dad’s house, where pigs who live near campus go to recover rather than sit in the pig pen day after day.

Sleeze: to sneeze properly (into one’s sleeve) when a tissue isn’t handy.

Sloff: to cough properly (into one’s sleeve) when a tissue isn’t handy.

Boar War: An all-out on-campus effort to prevent the spread of H1N1.

Bacon: What a pig experiencing an H1N1 fever feels like, i.e., fried. (Usage: Doctor: “Pig, how are you feeling today?” Pig: “Like bacon, doc.”)

Oink: A pig’s cry to his/her friends for help with deliveries of food (“slop”), class notes, over-the-counter medicine or other necessities to the pig pen.

Pork barrel: Derogatory term for an entire residence hall afflicted with H1N1 (knock on wood that never happens!).

Hog blog: the university’s flu information Web site at http://flu.jhu.edu/

Hog tide: Alcohol-based hand sanitizer.

Hogwash: Washing hands frequently and thoroughly, with either hog tide or plain old soap and water.

The Arnold zniffle: The sound a pig makes just before properly using and disposing of a tissue. [For derivation, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arnold_Ziffel]

Trough: A dining hall, where unsanitary pigs could easily transmit the H1N1 virus if they share drinks, utensils, etc.

Pig tale: The story of the aches and pains a pig experienced while sick with H1N1.

Piggy cold: The name Dean Susan Boswell's daughter uses for H1N1 flu.

Pig puns: H1N1 jokes.

living the dream

What do you do if you're a New Yorker and your apartment is being fumigated?  Where do you go?  Stay with friends (not enough space)?  Stay in a hotel (too expensive)?  No, you ask the New Jersey IKEA to let you stay there and let you film the experience.  Check out this web site for the details and You-Tube footage.

The Mom Overture

That's my girl!

Earlier today I was working at my desk...

Youngster - Mom, I'm sorry to interrupt but could you put these chairs back together for my Barbies?

Me - Sure, let me have a look.  Oh.  I see.  Well, why don't you just leave them on a corner of my desk and during my next break I'll get some glue out and fix them so that they stay together from now on.

Youngster - No!  You don't understand mom.  I'm playing that they go to the store and buy them and then they bring then home and put them together...you know, like IKEA. 

Leave Britney Alone! (She's not well right now.)

now that's customer service!

True story.  I ordered a couple CD's online from CD Baby.  Today I got an e-mail shipping notification and I'll just say that anyone having this much fun with customer service deserves more customers...

"Your CDs have been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with
sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.

A team of 50 employees inspected your CDs and polished them to make
sure they were in the best possible condition before mailing.

Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over
the crowd as he put your CDs into the finest gold-lined box that money
can buy.

We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party
marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of
Portland waved "Bon Voyage!" to your package, on its way to you, in
our private CD Baby jet on this day, Sunday, July 8th.

I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby.  We sure did.
Your picture is on our wall as "Customer of the Year."  We're all
exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Sigh..."

a boy named Pierre

I remember loving this song as a kid and I finally found a reasonably priced CD copy of the album the other day.  Does anyone else remember this song?

your morning snark...

Here's a spoof video of Paris Hilton and her jail experience.

new word

Federline (verb): To fall from a great height with great speed, usually associated with falling from wealth, success and fame to near-bankrupt infamy in a short period of time.

E.g., That guy who won the powerball and then gambled it away did a Federline.